how does this make sense?

You know I have to buy my plane ticket to see my kids in Alabama. ..
I send you a $700 check in the mail yesterday. ..
Your money is on the way. ..
You call me today and say you want to buy a car for $500, your cell phone bill is 2something. ..
and ask. ..
Can i help you?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
My plane ticket is $300+ . ..
I have car insurance. ..
rent. ..
electricity. ..
cell phone. ..
commute to/from work. ..
1 job. ..
two angels. ..
one baby mom. ..
$700 on its way to you in the mail. ..
$300 on my plane ticket to vibe with my seeds. ..
and you would like. ..
to buy a car. ..
and would appreciate. ..
if I could help. ..
you have. ..
no steady home. ..
no steady job. ..
my two angels are with you in the physical. ..
and you want to buy a car. ..
with $500. ..
out of the $700 I put in the mail yesterday. ..
and would like to know. ..
if. ..
I can help.

hmmm

if you 'got better' you'd be changing who you truly are. you'd have to stop doing things that truly make you happy in order to make me happy (drinking, smoking, etc). you would no longer be true to yourself. it'd look like sacrifice. ..but it would get old. and you'd go back to being 'YOU'. and i'd hate you again. probably MORE. so leave me alone. you'll find someone who loves you with all of your crazy ways. ..who will be able to tolerate you doing the things you do in moderation (i can't handle them AT ALL). and i'll fall in love with someone for who they are. without them having to make huge changes. and there wont be so much negative history. and we can paint a beautiful future. ..and we'll be happy. separately. ..if you would just stop textin me how much u love me! trying to keep urself under my skin!

you ma[d]e me wanna. ..build bridges

. ..i guess its pretty crazy that looking at old pictures of Me with Her makes me feel better about my current situation. the fact that i was SO SO SO SO SO SO SO in love with her. not in a passionate way, but just in an 'IN LOVE' kind of way. ..and to know that we ended. ..and my heart broke. ..and it mended. ..and i'm STRONGER. ..loving Ivy was like. ..WHEW! she was my baby. not my Queen. not my heart. just my baby. i loved her with the intensity that a mother loves a child. ..ok, i'm lying (when i use the past tense...sometimes i still feel it). ..a tear from her eyes was a dagger through my core. ..i often explain it just like this. ..ALL JOKES ASIDE. ..no exaggeration. ..i loved Ivy enough to die for her. ..that if someone walked up to the two of us and said "one of u has to get shot and killed right now, choose". ..i'd take the gun from their hand and *bang* without a second thought, i would've shot myself to make sure that she lived. ..and loved her enough that i would've fought with EVERYTHING in me to survive. ..because i know she wouldn't have lived happy without me. ..or feeling like i 'left' her. ..i felt like i had to nourish and protect her. ..SPOILED her in every little way i could. ..lol. ..smh. ..i loved the shit out of her from the moment i saw her. ..and people don't believe in love at first sight. ..hmph lol. ..that's only because She was never their surprise. ..she was mine. i mean i ADORED her ..and i think sometimes she loved me too. ..just differently. ..she was rotten. ..LOL. ..rude. ..rough. ..rock hard. ..stone. ..[hmmm, a gentleman asked me once in an instant job interview 'which is stronger; water or stone? and why?' (i chose water- always go for the under dog). ..but i didn't know why. he said water is stronger, because water erodes stone/rocks]. ..it was like Ivy only allowed herself to love but so much...or at least to show it and let it be known. ..and i kept showering her with my love water lol but dammit my tap ran dry. ..right when she was ready to crack. ..and love. ..and we had our falling out.. (i'm gettin tired of typin lol) .. and we fought.. and she threw scissors at me. ..lol..and rice bowls. ..and cut the phone chords.. .and i taught myself to hate her. ..for a year. ..and then i healed. ..and i'm alright. and now we're friends..we talk..i love her. ..but. ..shit isn't the same. ..and i'm fine with building different bridges. ..to different places =]

i'll be better than okay. ..

ventin session #1

i'm going to get straight to the point. i saw you for who you could be, not who you are. i mean, i wont deny. ..i experienced the most intense love in this chapter of my life (i say 'this chapter' because i pray to experience it again..but the right way next time). ..you are NOT good for MY soul. YOU TAUGHT ME PASSION. ..you helped me unwrapp the mummy that is my higher self. .a part of me that i laid to rest as a child. ..but you also taught me what it feels like to be on the brink of insanity. ..eyes heavy. ..mind ready to fuck my dreams. ..but too afraid to fall asleep because i fear waking to either (or both) of our spirits floating above our bodies. ..sleeping with all the knives under my mattress. ..i watched you turn into a zombie. that's exactly what you began to look like to me. ..always high or drunk. ..buming a cigarette and can of beer off of the wine-o down the street. ..12 months- all of the bills, diapers, formula, gas $, EVERYTHING, slams down on my back. ..i'm carrying the weight of our entire world, but you're talking about the 'voices' or the 'demons' that are taunting you when u cry out in frustration because i'm TIRED of the bullshit. ..UH- anyway, you put your fist in my wall, my face, and my heart. do i believe that you love me, hmmm. I don't believe you love yourself. Therefore, you can't/don't love ANYONE. not even our young God and Goddess receive what they could if you would just find a love for self. i've taken away a lot from this relationship: two beautiful angels, a greater sense of self, a revised list of standards, and a stronger soul. ..i want to say i lost a lot but really i didn't lose much at all. just the ability to see you through eyes that painted you perfect when you're not. just the ability to live in a dream world that actually HURT worse than reality. and i've got to say. ..honestly, i'm glad i'm awake. ..now i've just got to make sure not to doze off. ..

Aloha

I'm takin my own viriginity